Saudade (n).
“Saudade” (pronounced sow-dahd-jee) is an untranslatable Portuguese term that refers to the melancholic longing or yearning. The best way to define it is “a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost, ‘the love that remains’”. The presence of absence. This is a recurring theme in Portuguese and Brazilian literature and ties in with the style of music popular in these regions, Fado. Saudade refers to a sense of loneliness and incompleteness. It also brings sad and happy feelings together: sadness for missing the past and happiness for experiencing it. It’s a memory of something with a desire for it. It describes a deep emotional state; a yearning for a happiness that has passed, or perhaps never even existed.
It’s the recollection of feelings, experiences, places, or events that once brought excitement, pleasure and well being but now trigger the senses. It hurts when you stub your toe or slice your finger while chopping vegetables. Rolling an ankle is painful. Biting your tongue, the worst! But, in my opinion, nothing brings more discomfort than saudade. It can come at any time or any place. It doesn’t ask for permission to present itself. Sometimes, it feels like a gentle reminder of the past and other times, hitting you with overwhelming feelings of despair. A strong feeling you have in your body that sparks physical reactions like butterflies in your stomach or a warm sensation in your heart. It comes with the repressed knowledge that what you are longing for may never be had again. It brings everything to your mind; all of the life that surrounds what you are missing or have lost - all of the context of that person, place or thing. Nostalgia on a higher, deeper level.
The Aquarius in me has trouble showing my emotions but I make up for that in REALLY FEELING them. I’ve said before that being sentimental is either my best or worst trait. I have saudade for lots of things and can physically feel that longing throughout my body. Saudade for lost grandparents, past lovers, and the taste of a particular meal I had one night in Thailand. I have saudade for the house I grew up in, and saudade for the little moments that formed my childhood. I have a melancholic longing for Hawaii and it’s magic, more than any other place I’ve ever been (although Bali is a close runner up). It’s the smell of my great uncle’s house, a smell I have not come across for over 15 years; a smell I can’t even explain but sits with me. I have saudade for high school and college graduation and the week of events that led up to those ceremonies. It’s the moments I shared with someone, not knowing how special they were until they became memories. It’s a voice I can still hear even though it’s gone. It’s the way your hand fits like a puzzle in someone else’s hand that you no longer hold. It’s when I watched the sun set on the Andaman Sea without my lover by my side. It’s all the promises I’ve ever received and those that are yet to come.
There is no word in English synonymous with saudade.
But you’ve probably felt it without knowing what it was.
