Maybe a Little Too Much Rice?
* This post contains bathroom talk.
Hahahha, okay so I debated whether to share this on here but then I thought what the hell - it’s such a big component to my time in Vietnam, I can’t fail to mention it. When I reflect on my second tour of Southeast Asia, it’s one of the main highlights. Might be funny to some but it honestly put such a damper on my experience.
A lot of people would assume that the change in diet would be unsettling to the stomach. Going from “safe” meals that you eat on a day-to-day basis to consuming foods from street vendors is quite the shift. I had been in Asia before and never had all that much of an issue when it came to stomach problems. I mean, we ate some pretty weird stuff made in kitchens that might not have passed inspection with the Health Board back in America and I was always fine! As it is, my bathroom habits aren’t what you’d call “normal”. I’m a little irregular, bloated ALL the time and have diagnosed myself with a gluten and dairy intolerance. A couple of years ago, I often had overwhelming feelings of sickness that I deemed as “my spells” where I’d get an unrelenting migraine, nauseous and no over the counter drug would make it disappear. After some suggestions from friends, I cut out gluten and dairy from my diet all together. I also was watching my meat intake.
Now, I’m not sure anyone living in Asia is gluten free or even knows what that means. Soy sauce (which contains gluten) is a main ingredient in almost every dish. Also, considering the language barrier, imagine trying to ask someone in the restaurant if they have a gluten free menu? There was no getting around it. It was either I consume products with gluten or starve.
I’d say about two weeks into being in Vietnam, I started to feel a little under the weather. I was feeling my “spells” coming on. So bloated - looking nearly 6 months pregnant. Tired. Headache. It totally killed the vibe. I was there to explore and have fun and it seemed like that was being overthrown by my declining health. I’d go to bed with a headache and then wake up with one which was so0o frustrating! I also wasn’t using the bathroom. Constipated, so uncomfortable.. Because we were always relocating every three days, I never had time to “get used to” a bathroom. Mariah and I shared a room in Hanoi with these boys from California. The first night we met them, we went to an expensive restaurant and had a pretty good meal but I had to head back to the hostel because I was so sick! So now my health was totally getting in the way of the whole backpacking experience.
Fast forward a few days later, all of us rented motorbikes to do a ten day bike loop. I hopped on the back of Mariah’s, the boys had their own. From what it says in my journal, I went to bed early the night before with a headache and woke up and puked that morning. No bowel movement. I’m thinking to myself damn, 10 days on the back of this bike with our big backpacks strapped on, I feel like shit - this is gunna be terrible. After many hours on the road, my boney ass couldn’t bare the discomfort of the unpadded seat anymore. “Felt like my ass bones were digging through my skin” is what it says here in my journal. 4 hours go by. No change in time of arrival on the GPS. What the hell?! We stop to get gas, I’m probably complaining.. it was never ending. Knowing that there were many days like this ahead was daunting. I had it! I switched bikes and hopped on the back of Brandon’s which proved to be a lot more comfortable. Because I was sitting on luggage, I towered over him - like a Queen on a throne. Local people in villages were looking at me funny. Totally dangerous but it was the only way! We drove until the sun went down and had to find a place to stay except we were in the middle of NOWHERE Vietnam! Suddenly, a man is in the middle of the road asking us if we needed a place to stay - Godsend! We settled into the small homestay - ate food somewhere nearby. I wasn’t even hungry because I was so backed up but knew I needed nutrients. Within 20 minutes, I was outside throwing it up. Stomach protruding, looking more like 8 months pregnant now. So at this point I can’t even hold food down but I also can’t poop.
The next morning, I planned on leaving the group and taking a bus from wherever we were to the main destination - Sapa. Come to find out there were no busses that were going to Sapa. So back on Brandon’s bike I went. Tears in my eyes. Fingers gripping on the bungee cords under me for leverage. Twisting and turning through the mountainside. I was not safe on this bike.. any bump we hit, I caught air. Scared to die in a major motorcycle accident or of an exploded colon, the next stop we made I did what anyone would do and ordered myself a taxi. Most expensive taxi I’ve ever taken. That driver made his monthly wage in that one trip. I’ve also never rode in a taxi for that long - 7 hours to Sapa. I checked in at a luxury hotel with nice white linens, WiFi, & most importantly, a bathroom to call my own! A clean one! With a real toilet seat! (note: it’s not uncommon to come across a “squatter” - a straight up porcelain hole in the ground). I went to the pharmacy, used Google Translate to explain my symptoms & bought any type of relief they suggested. Laxatives in all forms! Liquid form, pill form, powder form, tablet form that fizzed when you mixed it in a drink.. I also bought an enema to do on my own. “Alright, tonight’s the night. I’m gunna go” .. couple days went by. Still nothing. I just spent my time in my white fuzzy robe binge-watching Breaking Bad, praying to the bowel movement gods in between episodes.
Meanwhile, Mariah’s tearing it up - ripping through the streets of Vietnam on the motorbike, keeping up with the boys. Total badass. I felt bad I had left her alone with them but she was a good sport about it and, in turn, got to release her inner wild side. When the crew finally made it to Sapa, I told them of my status: still nothing. These Cali boys were probably like what’s with this girl? At that point it had been 10 days since I had any sort of success in the bathroom .. I considered going home. I weighed all the options.
Finally on the 11th day, I made the decision to go to the hospital. This was a little unnerving but not the first time I’d been in a foreign medical facility. Here is where a nurse, that spoke little English, gave me an enema and fixed my problem! Hallelujah! But there was tonnssssss of pain before the relief. Then the doctor, who must have been French (there’s a big French influence in Vietnam) gave me some pills to treat a parasite - even though he didn’t think I had one? - “just incase”. Don’t even look at the Google images for that, I was utterly disturbed. He pretty much chalked it up to be “excessive rice intake” - told me to take it easy on the rice. (It’s honestly funny when I look back on it). He also gave me some high potency laxatives incase I ran into this problem again during the trip which, luckily, it never got to that point.
After returning from the hospital, the boys were happy to know I finally went potty! I felt like a child - people rejoicing and giving me positive reinforcement for using the restroom. HAH! I will never forget that part of my trip. I could finally fully enjoy the magic of Vietnam. Overall, my trip to Vietnam was far from shitty — in more ways than one!
Ps. - To Brandon, Britain, BJ and Robert .. I’m sorry that you had to meet me at a time where I was so uncomfortable. I promise I’m really not that weird! If we meet again, I owe you a Saigon Special && to Mariah - thanks for dealing with me complaining. You’re a rock star for hauling ass through those windy roads in Sapa to keep up with the boys!
